October 15, 2006
It has taken a long time, but I finally got it. I hope everyone gets it. I hope everyone follows it. The ellusive it is the combination of words and action. I love to use words, and do a better job when I have the time to create and think about the written word, as opposed to the spoken word. The spoken word is so often relayed under pressure of the emotion of the moment. Time is not allowed to think about the other person's position, especially if the other party takes a moment's silence to indicate a lack of concern or a myriad of other emotions/thoughts. Words are powerful tools to relay emotion and dedication. However, without follow up, they lose impact, and with that goes a lack of belief and respect for the words the speaker uses. That part I've believed for a long, long time. I've been on the other side, in my opinion (feel free to disagree).
I don't always say exactly what I feel or think, especially if those words are needed immediately. The pressure of that commitment to the words is a lot to me, and I will refrain from saying what I need to until I have settled on a decision that I believe I can act on. By the way, swear words are still words, and are very usefull if used sparingly. I say this because I'm about to use one. Words that are used only when needed, regardless of the social stigma associated with them relay the importance of the sentence. When I was about twelve, I had outgrown my bike. I canabalized an adult bike and was trying to make the parts work to extend the life of my poor Huffy. I was in the backyard, and I couldn't get something to fit no matter how hard I tried. Out of frustration in the moment, I yelled out, "well, SHIT!" Frankly, I felt better. I attacked the problem from a different angle, and got it to work. After finishing witht he mutation of my bike, I put things away and went inside. My mom was working in the kitchen, and was the only one around. With grace and patience, she said, "I heard what you said out there.... (pause) I don't like you using those words." I felt horrible, but that was all that was said. I accepted the crassness of swear words, but remembered the relief I felt when I expunged that word from my stress. Yes, they are horrible, but they serve a purpose. And I've come to learn that they are just words. Despite the dictionary definition, words are our expressions of thoughts and emotions in an attempt to make ourselves or others come to grips with the topic of hand. Sometimes we need to hear our own expression to deal with it. That's why we talk to ourselves. Don't lie, we all talk to ourselves.
That point is critical. Our words describe our thoughts and emotions. In The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy there is a side story (there are many) where someone says something they didn't mean, and says nevermind. Unfortunately, there is a rift in time and space and the words travel far, far away and are uttered during a conversation with two different nations. In the language of those people these words are the worst insult one could give, and they go to war for years. Finally, they discover that the words weren't uttered by the delegates, but from Earth. They send fleets of space ships to wage war on Earth. They travel years to reach us and as it turns out, they are so small compared to us that they are eaten by a small dog. That series is loaded with wonderful reflections on life. The point is that our words need to be chosen with forethought, and our actions have to reflect it.
My problem? I tend to leave the words out thinking that the actions will describe my words without saying them. Unfortunately, that is damaging as well. One person's perception of action may be interpreted by the recipient completely differently. A grand gesture may be interpreted as a mundane task, and completely unaccepted. Both the words and the actions must be in line. I know that I fail at this sometimes, and I regret it. I try to apologize when it happens. As crazy as it sounds, it is my romantic relationships that have brought this concept into stark reality. Despite my attempts to express through action in the abscence of words, I trust the words that I hear. Words are more used than action in today's society. In relationships, it becomes more pronounced. In relationships you put your emotions and psyche on the line. You are completely exposed and nothing is hidden. This is where I learned that words and actions have to be in concert, or there really isn't anything there.
You can't tell me, "I love you, and would do nothing to hurt you. I could never cheat on you," and then tell me, "I've slept with five other guys in the last six months." You can't tell me, "yes I want to marry you. I want it more than anything in the world, and I would never hurt you," and then say, "I'm not sure I ever loved you. I just loved the new lifestyle that you provided me." You can't say, "I love you, and don't think anyone could ever reach the bar you've set for what a relationship should be like," and then tell me all the wonderful things you and your new boyfriend are doing. It's not a matter of disagreeing with the progression of things. It's that I have finally realized that words and actions relay the true expression of what people are. It sounds so simple. I don't know why it's taken me 36 years to get to this realization. Friends and family are more subtle with it, in most cases, but the same thing applies. Words and actions. Sometimes we screw up. That's ok. But apologies are in order if the words or actions are to be trusted again. Whoever said that it was the thought that counts was full of shit (remember my earlier comment on profanity).
Then again, maybe I just have reached a point where trust is not to be given to anyone. That's ok, too. Animals have a great method, especially dogs. If a dog will allow another dog to sniff its butt, they are friends for life and nothing else matters. No, I'm not sniffing anyone's butt....
Words and actions. Make sure I do BOTH...
I don't always say exactly what I feel or think, especially if those words are needed immediately. The pressure of that commitment to the words is a lot to me, and I will refrain from saying what I need to until I have settled on a decision that I believe I can act on. By the way, swear words are still words, and are very usefull if used sparingly. I say this because I'm about to use one. Words that are used only when needed, regardless of the social stigma associated with them relay the importance of the sentence. When I was about twelve, I had outgrown my bike. I canabalized an adult bike and was trying to make the parts work to extend the life of my poor Huffy. I was in the backyard, and I couldn't get something to fit no matter how hard I tried. Out of frustration in the moment, I yelled out, "well, SHIT!" Frankly, I felt better. I attacked the problem from a different angle, and got it to work. After finishing witht he mutation of my bike, I put things away and went inside. My mom was working in the kitchen, and was the only one around. With grace and patience, she said, "I heard what you said out there.... (pause) I don't like you using those words." I felt horrible, but that was all that was said. I accepted the crassness of swear words, but remembered the relief I felt when I expunged that word from my stress. Yes, they are horrible, but they serve a purpose. And I've come to learn that they are just words. Despite the dictionary definition, words are our expressions of thoughts and emotions in an attempt to make ourselves or others come to grips with the topic of hand. Sometimes we need to hear our own expression to deal with it. That's why we talk to ourselves. Don't lie, we all talk to ourselves.
That point is critical. Our words describe our thoughts and emotions. In The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy there is a side story (there are many) where someone says something they didn't mean, and says nevermind. Unfortunately, there is a rift in time and space and the words travel far, far away and are uttered during a conversation with two different nations. In the language of those people these words are the worst insult one could give, and they go to war for years. Finally, they discover that the words weren't uttered by the delegates, but from Earth. They send fleets of space ships to wage war on Earth. They travel years to reach us and as it turns out, they are so small compared to us that they are eaten by a small dog. That series is loaded with wonderful reflections on life. The point is that our words need to be chosen with forethought, and our actions have to reflect it.
My problem? I tend to leave the words out thinking that the actions will describe my words without saying them. Unfortunately, that is damaging as well. One person's perception of action may be interpreted by the recipient completely differently. A grand gesture may be interpreted as a mundane task, and completely unaccepted. Both the words and the actions must be in line. I know that I fail at this sometimes, and I regret it. I try to apologize when it happens. As crazy as it sounds, it is my romantic relationships that have brought this concept into stark reality. Despite my attempts to express through action in the abscence of words, I trust the words that I hear. Words are more used than action in today's society. In relationships, it becomes more pronounced. In relationships you put your emotions and psyche on the line. You are completely exposed and nothing is hidden. This is where I learned that words and actions have to be in concert, or there really isn't anything there.
You can't tell me, "I love you, and would do nothing to hurt you. I could never cheat on you," and then tell me, "I've slept with five other guys in the last six months." You can't tell me, "yes I want to marry you. I want it more than anything in the world, and I would never hurt you," and then say, "I'm not sure I ever loved you. I just loved the new lifestyle that you provided me." You can't say, "I love you, and don't think anyone could ever reach the bar you've set for what a relationship should be like," and then tell me all the wonderful things you and your new boyfriend are doing. It's not a matter of disagreeing with the progression of things. It's that I have finally realized that words and actions relay the true expression of what people are. It sounds so simple. I don't know why it's taken me 36 years to get to this realization. Friends and family are more subtle with it, in most cases, but the same thing applies. Words and actions. Sometimes we screw up. That's ok. But apologies are in order if the words or actions are to be trusted again. Whoever said that it was the thought that counts was full of shit (remember my earlier comment on profanity).
Then again, maybe I just have reached a point where trust is not to be given to anyone. That's ok, too. Animals have a great method, especially dogs. If a dog will allow another dog to sniff its butt, they are friends for life and nothing else matters. No, I'm not sniffing anyone's butt....
Words and actions. Make sure I do BOTH...