February 19, 2005
I have recently come to the conclusion that I am the Buddha reincarnated in cat form. The two-leggeds who subscribe to Buddhism believe that the Buddha is in us all, but for cats? It's just me. So, in an effort to reach all cats I'm channeling the following thoughts of wisdom...
The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but would good is that? The balling cat gets whatever it wants.
The world is big and beautiful, but when your feet get wet, go back inside.
Alarm clocks have snooze buttons, cats don't. Use it.
A captive audience is much more susceptible to listening to your desires and ultimately appeasing them. There is no audience more captive than the one that is on the toilet.
You can break, chase, destroy or deficate on anything as long as you can give a cute face, snuggle, and purr.
Follow up: depending on the item broken, chased, destroyed, or deficated on, you may have to increase the quantiities of cuteness, snuggling, and purring to continue getting your way.
Beware of the two-legged children: prolonged exposure may rid you of use of your legs, as they believe you must be carried everywhere.... even to the catbox.
Bugs are great toys. You can chase them, play with them, and even eat them. Then you throw them up, and they look the same.
Cat boxes are a poor substitute for the outdoors. If you must use one, be sure to fling the occasional litter and fecal matter outside the box to keep the two-leggeds aware of who's boss.
Embrace your big cat essence. We were meant to be in trees and up high. Despite their attempts, the two leggeds can really not keep you off of tables, counters, sinks, windows... whatever...
Enjoy a friendship with dogs. A few smacks on the snout makes them your slave for life. This can be very handy when you want to know what good stuff is in the trash.
If you get fleas, resist the urge to scratch. This will keep you from the horrific experience of a bath.
There are two leggeds that are afflicted with a terrible, terrible disease. When in proximity to you they begin to itch and sneeze. Follow them around and feign an interest to be cuddled. It's a lot of fun.
This is my wisdom for now. Keep these points in mind, and you will have complete control over your two-legged pets. And remember, they aren't very smart, so be patient with them.
Lilo the Cat Buddha
This is my wisdom for now. Keep these points in mind, and you will have complete control over your two-legged pets. And remember, they aren't very smart, so be patient with them.
Lilo the