March 16, 2005
I've discovered why at 35 years old I still think I'm a kid. It's a simple matter of perspective. No, I don't mean some deep philosophical thing, it has to do with flatulence. If you find yourself one of those that is above the base humor that comes from this particular human requirement, you'd better stop reading now.
It dawned on me the other day as I was in the office. I had to use the restroom, and was in a stall, quietly handling my business. I heard the door open, and some anonymous person walked in to use a urinal. From the moment he crossed the bathroom threshold, he begain cutting them loose. He floated five air biscuits before he ever made it to the urinal. I was in the stall in tears trying not to laugh out load or say "good one".
My family seems to have a central humor thing about this, also. A great story involving one of my dad's brothers, Uncle Max, involved him standing in line at a grocery store. The lady in front of him had a lot of groceries and was conservatively putting everything on the counter. At this time, Uncle Max couldn't hold back anymore, and ... um... stepped on a dog... Apparently it was loud and smelly. He looked at the lady and said "Good God, lady!". Even though she didn't do anything, she was so embarrassed she left her stuff on the belt, and exited the store.
In 1986, at Thanksgiving dinner at our house, my brother-in-law placed a whoopie cushion in the chair that my prankster uncle was going to be sitting in. As we sat down to dinner, the novelty item did its job, and my late-80's great-great-aunt (Annie's namesake), simply and elegantly said "oh, my".
When I was a Resident Assistant, a number of my residents took great pride in being able to make fart sounds without actually going through the activity. Being a good leader, I also practiced this valuable skill, so I would be seen as not only a role model, but one of the guys. One time my folks and I were at a Shoney's for breakfast. As we were leaving, my dad decided to use the restroom (we were far from our destination). After he went in, I felt like it would be a good idea to do the same. No one was in the bathroom, except my dad in a stall. I walked up to do my business and started faking all sorts of Barking Spiders. I quietly left, and waited by the car with my mom. Dad came out with his eyes watering. He was trying not to laugh out hysterically. In a break from character, my dad began telling the story of how some guy was just in the John cutting the cheese every which way but loose. I made the noise, and told him it was me messing with him. He had been dying to say something to the person...
Another time, while at a conference and having dinner, over which we were supposed to discuss research, a friend of mine couldn't contain himself. There were 15 people at the table: professionals, professors, etc. The smell was abysmal. At one point a professor looked down the table, and another friend leaned back in his chair to suggest "nope, not me". The culprit excused himself, and swore that his colon was broken after that night...
And don't think that it's just a guy thing. Guys are in general far more proud of the power of the colon, but women are disgusted in an effort to cover up their lack of colon power. My ex would always look disgusted by it, but when she was pregnant with Annie, she was very proud of her expulsions. I'll not talk about the other women I know who are proud of their colons, but they know who they are...
So, I admit that I may have started something that could backfire. Annie goes to great lengths to share her ... um... rubbing the duck. She will run clear across the house to get me to pull her finger. She ruffles the covers after breaking wind in bed, and laughs hysterically. We have an agreement that she can't do this at school, but at home, it's a free-for-all. Hey, there was a reason her mother named her Stinky-Farts-Hockanson when she was a baby...
I even have a friend that begins to stink when he gets too hungry. Try dealing with that when confined to lab work for a day...
This post is long enough, but I assure you there are many more instances of crying due to laughter as a result of venting the colon colliape (thanks to Flanders for that one in particular). I'll not comment on my mother or ex-mother-in-law, although my ex-father-in-law is probably going to be upset that he wasn't included as an example. Yes, you've made my eyes water.
It's a necessity for your body to expel this stuff. Deal with it. Laugh with the rest of us degenerates...
Still get a chuckle out of the baser things
It dawned on me the other day as I was in the office. I had to use the restroom, and was in a stall, quietly handling my business. I heard the door open, and some anonymous person walked in to use a urinal. From the moment he crossed the bathroom threshold, he begain cutting them loose. He floated five air biscuits before he ever made it to the urinal. I was in the stall in tears trying not to laugh out load or say "good one".
My family seems to have a central humor thing about this, also. A great story involving one of my dad's brothers, Uncle Max, involved him standing in line at a grocery store. The lady in front of him had a lot of groceries and was conservatively putting everything on the counter. At this time, Uncle Max couldn't hold back anymore, and ... um... stepped on a dog... Apparently it was loud and smelly. He looked at the lady and said "Good God, lady!". Even though she didn't do anything, she was so embarrassed she left her stuff on the belt, and exited the store.
In 1986, at Thanksgiving dinner at our house, my brother-in-law placed a whoopie cushion in the chair that my prankster uncle was going to be sitting in. As we sat down to dinner, the novelty item did its job, and my late-80's great-great-aunt (Annie's namesake), simply and elegantly said "oh, my".
When I was a Resident Assistant, a number of my residents took great pride in being able to make fart sounds without actually going through the activity. Being a good leader, I also practiced this valuable skill, so I would be seen as not only a role model, but one of the guys. One time my folks and I were at a Shoney's for breakfast. As we were leaving, my dad decided to use the restroom (we were far from our destination). After he went in, I felt like it would be a good idea to do the same. No one was in the bathroom, except my dad in a stall. I walked up to do my business and started faking all sorts of Barking Spiders. I quietly left, and waited by the car with my mom. Dad came out with his eyes watering. He was trying not to laugh out hysterically. In a break from character, my dad began telling the story of how some guy was just in the John cutting the cheese every which way but loose. I made the noise, and told him it was me messing with him. He had been dying to say something to the person...
Another time, while at a conference and having dinner, over which we were supposed to discuss research, a friend of mine couldn't contain himself. There were 15 people at the table: professionals, professors, etc. The smell was abysmal. At one point a professor looked down the table, and another friend leaned back in his chair to suggest "nope, not me". The culprit excused himself, and swore that his colon was broken after that night...
And don't think that it's just a guy thing. Guys are in general far more proud of the power of the colon, but women are disgusted in an effort to cover up their lack of colon power. My ex would always look disgusted by it, but when she was pregnant with Annie, she was very proud of her expulsions. I'll not talk about the other women I know who are proud of their colons, but they know who they are...
So, I admit that I may have started something that could backfire. Annie goes to great lengths to share her ... um... rubbing the duck. She will run clear across the house to get me to pull her finger. She ruffles the covers after breaking wind in bed, and laughs hysterically. We have an agreement that she can't do this at school, but at home, it's a free-for-all. Hey, there was a reason her mother named her Stinky-Farts-Hockanson when she was a baby...
I even have a friend that begins to stink when he gets too hungry. Try dealing with that when confined to lab work for a day...
This post is long enough, but I assure you there are many more instances of crying due to laughter as a result of venting the colon colliape (thanks to Flanders for that one in particular). I'll not comment on my mother or ex-mother-in-law, although my ex-father-in-law is probably going to be upset that he wasn't included as an example. Yes, you've made my eyes water.
It's a necessity for your body to expel this stuff. Deal with it. Laugh with the rest of us degenerates...
Still get a chuckle out of the baser things