While working on the bathroom today I have reflected on a great number of things. I won't go into them here as I don't think I am mentally able, but will reflect on those thoughts a bit. I think 2008 will be a year where I close some doors on my past. No new doors or opening, but the room I am left in is comfortable. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life. I'd like to think I made as many good ones. Even some of my bad choices have yielded gifts that I would not have expected. The cost has been difficult to accept, but I think that is what life is about. I have always had a need to control things in my life. Annie does, too, but her reason for arriving at that mentality are different than mine. In fact, I haven't quite figured out when it happened to me. I have read enough Dale Carnegie, and believe it, that I 90% of the time try to rationalize why someone would do something with which I disagree. However, I have noticed that most people do not feel the need to take that approach with me. I don't long for control anymore, I just want to influence in a positive manner. I make few decisions that require action without serious consideration. Many people disagree with me on my parenting approach. I am sure I am making mistakes, but I think I am doing the right thing. I do not think there is such thing as a perfect parent, and I confess that I think it is a little more difficult when doing it alone. However, should I see that my decisions have a negative outcome, I am perfectly willing to admit that I was wrong, and work to better the situation. Frankly, this has not happened, yet. Is it because I am blind or have I been doing the right thing? I don't know. Lord knows I have been blind to situations in front of me quite a number of times.

I balance precariously on my three-legged stool: family, work, & home. It has been six years since I stood smiling on top of that stool not knowing or wanting to believe that most of the legs had fractures in them, and one of them was snapping off completely. A friend of mine said something yesterday that struck me. I may have misinterpreted what he was really saying, given that it struck a cord with me. I had thought it for quite some time. My reaction and response to the difficulties in my life have resulted in a very different person than I used to be. He didn't say it, but I can't help but think that I liked me much better back then. Some time during graduate school I said that I realized that I was not going to do anything earth shattering. I had always believed that when I was younger. But it was then that I thought that my offspring would. I don't know if she will be able to do that. She deals with a lot more than she should have to. Maybe all kids do, and I don't see it. She struggles with things that she shouldn't even have to think about. She doesn't have any problems with school work, has the typical problems associated with elementary kids regarding friends, is comfortable in her home, loves her animals and all animals that we come across, laughs when she farts, she's healthy, but she spends an inordinate amount of time fretting about her family situation. Is it real? Is she somehow trying to protect me? Is she afraid of hurting my feelings somehow? I don't know. I reassure her as much as I can, but she still struggles. She is ruled by fear...

Oh well, I will continue the fight because there is nothing else I can do. I leave you with the words of one of my favorite songs over the course of my life. It does not all apply to me, but a lot of it rings true:

Good Ole Boys Like Me - Don Williams

When I was a kid Uncle Remus he put me to bed
With a picture of Stonewall Jackson above my head
Then daddy came in to kiss his little man
With gin on his breath and a Bible in his hand
He talked about honor and things I should know
Then he'd stagger a little as he went out the door

CHORUS:
I can still hear the soft Southern winds in the live oak trees
And those Williams boys they still mean a lot to me
Hank and Tennessee
I guess we're all gonna be what we're gonna be
So what do you do with good ole boys like me

CHORUS:

Nothing makes a sound in the night like the wind does
But you ain't afraid if you're washed in the blood like I was
The smell of cape jasmine thru the window screen
John R. and the Wolfman kept me company
By the light of the radio by my bed
With Thomas Wolfe whispering in my head

CHORUS:

When I was in school I ran with kid down the street
But I watched him burn himself up on bourbon and speed
But I was smarter than most and I could choose
Learned to talk like the man on the six o'clock news
When I was eighteen, Lord, I hit the road
But it really doesn't matter how far I go

CHORUS:

Muddy

My brain woke up before my body wanted to, so I am a little groggy, but somehow that seems to make things more peaceful. The new year has roared in with a vengeance, and I wonder if that portends to the way 2008 will go, or if it is just getting out of the way. The rains and wind that left us without power for a day (and others for five days) has subsided for a while, leaving me with a beautiful sunrise heralding in what looks to be a sun-filled day.

The stillness in the redwoods on mornings like this always seem to alleviate my concerns over my small problems. It is sort of like the seeing the smiles of the respected elderly over the concerns of the young. They have already seen so much, and the smiles enigmatically convey a sense of understanding and the knowledge of what is to come. Of course, I've never been able to figure out if that knowledge was meant to say, 'it will all work out,' or 'don't worry, it will get a lot worse.' That said, I really don't have anything to complain about! In hopes that the Muses will once again rest in my company and I will start writing more often, I figure I can give a quick catch up...

Work continues pretty much as before. I have just suffered celebrated my tenth year at Sun. It is hard to believe that what was intended to be a five year stint has resulted in a decade. Like the trees I adore, I feel like I was a seed that fell to the ground thinking it would rest for a while, only to wake up later to find I had established roots and would not be leaving any time soon. I had to work over what is supposed to be an annual holiday break, but that is not unusual. I believe I have worked over the break over half of the years I have been with Sun. I guess it is what I get paid for, so I should not complain. That is what management says, so it must be true... I have a new director, and it will be interesting to see how that affects my job and my group.

Our home also continues to go as before. It likes to remind me of the fragility of construction at times. We had been without a dishwasher for over a year. Well, that's not quite true. We had been without an automatic dishwasher for over a year. Given how few dishes Annie and I go through in a day, it had become normal for the sink to slowly fill up until I had to do something about it. I hated seeing the sink like that, so I decided to see if I could fix it. I tinkered with it for a while, but couldn't see anything wrong with the motor assembly (what little I could access). I finally decided to do something I had thought about before: buy the ultimate dishwasher I wanted for the "new" kitchen, install it, then later I will carefully remove it and re-install it afterwards. It was when I got the old dishwasher completely out that I discovered the reason it didn't work. The rats had eaten through the power cord. Unfortunately, I noticed that no charred rat was left. The little bastard survived. I covered the holes in the wall with steel in hopes that I can delay their next intrusion for a couple of years. The new dishwasher is absolutely incredible. It does a good cleaning job, and is so quiet it is difficult to tell that it is on. I will fix the old one and see if I can find it a good home. The garbage disposer died a week ago, and I am grudgingly considering replacing it as well.

The bathroom continues slowly as well. I just finished painting the closet, and I think it is acceptable... for a closet. Drywall texturing is another job that I will never have. My lofty goals for the day include moving the heating register in the floor so it will not be in the shower area. I probably won't get more than that (if that) done today given my other self-appointed tasks.

Annie had a good holiday break, and went back on school schedule fairly easily. She got a lot of clothes for Christmas, and I was very concerned about whether she would wear them or not, but she seems to like everything she got. I think it is ok to throw out the receipts now... Her mother is very upset that the Halloween hair coloring has not washed out, yet. It doesn't bother Annie or me, but I understand that she doesn't want Annie to have punk hair in the upcoming wedding pictures. I have found someone in Boulder Creek who seems to have considerable expertise in these matters, so we will try to work on that this week.

Annie has become increasingly insecure, needing to be around me constantly. I can't be sure, but I suspect it has something to do with the upcoming marriage of her mother. Her ventings to me about her new stepfather have become fairly infrequent. However, I hear from other people that she is quite vocal about it. I try to help her as best I can, but ultimately just have to hope that she comes to grips with it herself.

I guess that is about it. The sun has cleared the mountains, and I guess it is time to get to work.

Conflicted peace.

It is kind of strange, really. I am normally plenty happy with my life, with slight bumps in time when I go into one of my funks. Music, and strangely, certain smells, can have a major impact on my psyche.

Today on the way to school, I turned on the new Kenny Chesney CD when I realized I had it, and still had not listened to it. Annie and I are usually fairly quiet on the way to school as we each get lost in our own thoughts as we prepare for the day. A song came on that put a lump in my throat. It is not completely accurate for my life, given that I have been blessed with Annie, but it sort of hit home. Well, it hit home if I am close to going into a funk.

Wife And Kids - Kenny Chesney

Everybody thinks I've got it all
Nobody really does, do they?
I've got more than I deserve, more than I ever dreamed
But there's always a price you pay
It's been an amazing road
I've been blessed, I know
But at the end of the day I go home alone

I still hope someday I'll have a wife and kids
Smiling faces running to the door when I walk in
Saying "Daddy's home, you were gone too long. What'd you bring me? Swing me. Let me show you what I did"
I still dream about that look on a woman's face
That says I love you through the good, the bad, the sunshine or the rain
Sometimes I wish I had someone to share my life with
Maybe I'll have a wife and kids
Maybe someday....

Maybe I could have a son
Play football in the backyard
Or take my daughter fishin', and when she turns 15 teach her how to drive a car
When I grow old and they've all left home
I want to lay beside my wife and talk about the old times, remember all the good times.

I still hope someday I'll have a wife and kids
Smiling faces running to the door when I walk in
Saying "Daddy's home, you were gone too long. What'd you bring me? Swing me. Let me show you what I did"
I still dream about that look on a woman's face
That says I love you through the good, the bad, the sunshine or the rain
Sometimes I wish I had someone to share my life with
Maybe I'll have a wife and kids
Maybe someday....

Sometimes I wish I had someone to share my life with
Maybe I'll have a wife and kids
Someday...
I'll have a wife and kids
Maybe someday...

I had my chances. I know. Sometimes the "normal" family arrangement would be nice, though.

Back to work...

No, I am not dead, yet. The muses have just abandoned me for a while. Frankly, there have been a lot of things to write about, but I just haven't found my inspiration to write.

I am sitting on the deck watching Mother Nature paint her picture in the sky. The fog drifts lazily through the redwoods in the valley, and Venus continues to fight for some sense of dominance in the morning sky. Soon the sun will breach the ridge line, and wash the sky clean, leaving this magical time behind. Even with this beautiful view, find the words stopping before they can get to my fingers. The typical activities in my life could give birth to a variety of posts, but for some reason I just can't get them out. Oh well... Maybe later...


Preparing self for drywall mudding...

I have reached and surpassed an interesting milestone. I have lived in this house longer than I have lived anywhere in my life. Is that weird? A friend that I would like to be more than a friend suggested today that I should move when she heard about my replacing rotted footings. I can't. I love the location, and so does Annie. Here, I can give her some of the things I had as a kid. She can go play outside, and I don't have to watch her constantly. She sees so many things in the surrounding environment that I love for her to see, and she gets excited about it. She has lived here since she was only a few weeks old, and she takes great security in this familiarity. I know that certain aspects of my life would be better if I lived in a city, but I can't do it. I might be able to if I had a significant other that required it, but right now, I don't see the point.

Enough rambling... There is a Dan Brown book that is calling for me.

Also, I need food...

I bought some new jeans a few weeks ago. They are more modern, and I really like them. However, today I realized I have become one of 'them.'

I apparently have lost a little weight. My jeans have a 32" waist, and they are falling down. The jeans are lowriders, so yes, I have become one of those people whose underwear shows. Fortunately, my shirt was untucked, so no one could see.

Hmmm, maybe I'll have to go commando...

Plumbers’ butt?

I have a few things to write about, but I'll probably not write about them all out of fatigue. Nevertheless, I feel the need to write about a trend in the English language that I despise.

We apparently need to reduce the spoken and written language to the bare minimum requirement. This has been going on for years, but my cup finally spilled over and I am sick of it. How freaking lazy are we? Back when Kentucky Fried Chicken decided to call itself KFC, I shook my head. Unfortunately, they were right for the general population. I had to hear an add a couple of times before I realized that the bank Washington Mutual decided their name was too long. Now they are called WaMu. What a bunch of HC (horse crap - trying to match the trend).

We used to be a species that prided ourselves on having the ability to express ourselves elegantly. We could elegantly express ourselves in literature and art in ways that the rest of the animal kingdom could not compare. No longer is that the case. The internet industry (yes, I realize that I am part of that) has degenerated us into a world of the least amount of energy expended. Simple things like "that cracked me up so bad I laughed out loud" have been reduced to three letters: LOL- Laugh out Loud. No one can express themselves in words of their own. I am very disgusted with the whole thing. We hopefully still treat Shakespeare with reverence who would have said something more eloquent:

sdksdoifydhdidhn

Alright, I am too tired and cranky to put the time into iambic pentameter. Maybe that is the whole thing. We are too tired and lazy. Notice that Shakespeare only wrote in traditional rhyme when the more baser representatives of society were speaking. Maybe that is me.


Another note: I had a good talk tonight with a friend from work. I'll keep this brief, but it cracks me up. This is not mine, but the originator would not be pleased if I used his/her name publicly. He commented briefly about people being Single Unhappy Nerds. I actually didn't get it at first. After he commented on the acronym I busted out laughing. It may not be everybody at Sun, but it is certainly a lot of us.

I think I need to laugh about that a bit longer...

Eventually we will all talk in clicks like some of the African tribal languages. Maybe it will all be just binary speak...



click, click, hmmm, click....

That's right, there is a fire on one of the mountains. Apparently, our power comes right over that hill, and it is now off. And it is hot, damned hot. I am sitting on the deck right now in my underwear. Deal with it. I have the generator going so I can continue working, and am grateful that I spent the money on the whole-house transfer switch. It is loud as heck, but it will get us till bedtime. Then comes the problem. Annie says she has to have a nightlight, but she doesn't think she will be able to sleep with the generator going. Oh yeah, in the midst of this, the plumbing is backed up again. Annie got a little crazy with the toilet paper. Unfortunately, the starting amps for the auger don't agree with the generator, so I have to wait for the power to come back on... Still, it will be another task for the auger that will further reduce its cost! Why am I excited that the sewer is clogged? Oh well, with any luck, power will be back on in an hour or so. If not, I have the auger all set up, and it won't take but a few minutes in the morning. You have to love life in the mountains. Well, I'd better get back to configuring systems for other groups. Who knew that an EMI Design Engineer could be tasked with system configuration? Certainly not me...

Reboot...

Humans have intervened so often in the natural course of nature that we have made a mess of things. I struggle with it myself frequently. Once we have made so much influence, is it ok to stop? Should we intervene?

I was torn today. While working on the deck, I heard the coyotes explode. They couldn't have been more than a hundred yards away. I think I know how they work. If they happen to be working together (not often) they start yipping and crying to confuse and strike fear into their prey. Then they attack. They don't do it all at once, but in pieces, exhausting the prey until they can finish it. It was horrible. Amidst the cries and encouragements of the coyotes, I could hear another sound. I think it was the scream of a deer. I am not sure, but there were too many coyotes involved, and the sound was too loud for anything smaller. Deer are generally quiet creatures. They only make sound for two things as far as I can tell: a need for help, and fear of dying. Maybe the two are related.

We have a tremendous number of deer. We also seem to have a lot of coyote. Could I have crashed through the brush and helped the deer? Maybe. Would it have been the right thing to do? I don't know, but I don't think so. Death is brutal, but Mother Nature embraces it as a need for balance. The deer need to be thinned to keep the herds healthy. The coyotes have to eat just like anything else. It wasn't easy to listen to, but I have to accept it.

It's very Dale Carnegie, but it depends on the perspective of the individual:

Deer: The past winter did not yield much rain. Food is very sparse. I have to scavenge constantly for something new. The herd has broken up to find new food rather then give it to the dominant members. I finally found some growth in the redwoods that has not been beaten down by the heat and lack of water. What is that noise? Oh my gosh, I am surrounded! What do I do? Someone please help me? I can't fend them all off!!!

Coyotes: Water is so scarce. As a result, the shrubs and undergrowth have been scraggly. Rabbits and squirrels have moved to different hiding places and we can't feed ourselves, let alone our children. We banded together to help with the hunt. I am worried that I will lose my family's portion to the dominant members, but this is my only choice: to hunt in a pack. What is that noise? Something is pulling grass ahead, and the scent suggests a deer. We surround her. She is beautiful, but I can't let that change my focus. There are lives at stake. Someone starts yelling. The deer is frightened. She will make a mistake soon. She does, and someone attacks her from behind. She screams, and others attack. I have to do my part, or I will lose out on my share. Soon, she is down. She will feed not only the pack, but my family for the next week, maybe two.

I know. We don't like to think about it. It's morbid. Aren't you glad that you buy meat in a market where you don't have to know how the beast was killed? Do yourself a favor, never find out.

Praying my buck comes back tomorrow morning...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ2Fk2tSb74

Not much else to say, really...

I think I may have dated that lady...